What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 04:00
But it wasn’t much.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i do to all so called friends.?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why is the Middle East prone to terrorism?
Comes on , in middle age.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Put me off passion for life!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It was going to be , some day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I think the readers, may guess!
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So whats the point in blame.
Im still living with it.
I will be 64.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Do all armies have the same rank structure?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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All the time i was locked up.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She married twice! .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I don,t even have a pension.
But, we were locked up after school.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I waited trembling.
I was seconnd youngest,
My life is so biszare .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She found it foreign!.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was 9 years of age.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i lived it daily.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was scared of men, in general
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He resisted the act ,that day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ive learnt so much.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
What did i know ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She loved him until the end.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot live in the past .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Would this be the day?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We all went to grammer schools
Was to survive, this bastard.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She wouldn,t have been !
When she asked me how she looked .
We were not on the streets..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He knew the spot.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I write beautiful poetry .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My family never makes their pension either.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
This is soul school!.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
(And it was in our own minds.)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Who then, do I blame.?
I have no regrets .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She was in good health!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I said to her
But ive been too sick for many years..